All who wander are not lost (Be Kind to Yourself)

My nature varies: the mood of one hour is sometimes the mockery of the next.”-Villette by Charlotte Bronte

The above quote summarizes my inconsistent and ever changing thoughts about my experiences here so far. Its difficult to summarize my feelings but its like sometimes I can be on the highest of highs, simply content in the fact that I remembered a child’s name or that a doña remembered mine and in the very next moment sink into such a low that at times I wonder how anything so trivial could be the root cause. I've also felt guilty at times for leaving my family and friends behind. If they miss me as much as I miss them, I hate to be the source of any pain for them. I know they are proud of me but sometimes I feel really really selfish in pursuing this journey. But I have been working on getting out of my head and staying on the field at all times. This frame of mind has led to a significant shift in the past couple of days which should have a very positive affect on my service moving forward.

'All who wander are not lost' has been a very helpful reminder to not attach specific expectations to my experience here. I am someone who very much likes to be in control, organize, and navigate every part of my life and this journey was an attempt to trample all over that mindset. However, throughout the past 2 months, Ive felt really lost, only focused on keeping my head above water yet at the same time trying to firmly plant my feet and figure out just what I have to offer to my community and organization. What about me is important to share, and when, when will I ever learn enough Spanish to have a decent conversation with anyone, what does integration look like....I really could go on and on with my musings. The point is that I´ve been too focused on what I don´t have or what I haven´t figured out or accomplished yet instead of just letting it all happen (releasing my need to be in control the wise people tell me). It will all come in time and little by little that has turned out to be the case.

In another post I mentioned a recent shift in wanting the most out of this experience more and striving to attain it. Whatever “it” looks like (hey I´m trying to go with the flow here). In giving myself fully to this experience, and no longer looking back AT ALL, one of the things that I’ve seen volunteers write and say time and time again is to be kind to yourself. In order to do that you must first accept that you are worthy of that kindness. Whether this is an American concept or not, merit is often tied to achievements, accomplishments, and successfully helping others. Bestow kindness where it is undeserved, unmerited…so foreign a concept but one that I am learning quickly because I’m not a fan of mental anguish, loneliness, and regret.

What does being kind to yourself look like? In the here and now, for me it means taking on as many opportunities to get to know members of my community, my organization, and other volunteers. Pero, it does not mean second guessing, questioning, and beating myself when I just don’t feel like going or doing something. I will take trips to the gym and have mental health days when I need them sin verguenza. It also means celebrating everything.  Si vale la pena aprenderlo, vale la pena celebrarlo. Some days it really takes courage to get out of bed and walk my community and I should celebrate each and every time I accomplish it. It also means accepting the fact that although I don’t have a full grasp of the Spanish concept yet, I need to be patient with myself, because I am studying and trying every single day.

I´ve also developed more of a daily routine which is always subject to change (flexibility is key) but it really helps to have a semi plan of what I hope my first year of service will look like. I am partnered with a wonderful organization, Accion Callejera's mission is to promote the rights of children and adolescents in situations of vulnerability in all its forms. AC uses an action and research based approach that leads to the understanding of their difficulties and  implementation of support programmes which can positively impact on their living conditions. The vision is to be a reliable and effective institution in the understanding of these youths reality, in the pursuit and implementation of appropriate solutions and comprehensive responses. And their values include respect, dignity, solidarity, commitment and faith.


I pretty much love everything that AC tries to do for youth, from offering a daily program for limpiabotas (youth who clean shoes and basically live on the streets), to coordinating over 25 sala de tareas for students in barrios all over Santiago (students in the DR only go to school for half the day so the other half can be filled with more educational and enrichment opportunities through sala de tarea), and offering legal, health, and emotional support. After my my 3 month training at the end of January I promise to share my about my day to day role with AC. But I will get to use my teaching experience, create differentiated learning techniques, facilitate youth activities, and work with a team that focuses on supporting limpiabotas in high risk situations. So Im definitely happy about what is to come!

I began my new schedule this week. Alot of the boys that walk into the apoyo escolar immediately begin speaking Creole to me. I give a look of honest confusion and explain thatI dont know Creole and Im still working on my Spanish. Bewildered, they ask so where are you from.... I reply that Im American and the immediate responses is 'pero tu eres Americana'.... After that, one boy gives me a hug and then we begin working on adding and subtracting.


The next day, one of the boys who is 15 asks me to teach him English and I reply that once he learns to write Spanish, I will teach him more English (because he already knows a little). He picks up a newspaper article and asks me to read to him, I tell him no and remind him that Im sure he can read it perfectly fine. He hesistates but proceeds to read the entire article. I congradulate him and he beams a look of pride that reminded me of why I wanted to become a teacher. Later, he asks me about my family and mentions that he doesn't have any. He asks me if I'll allow him to call me aunt Jackie (tia en espanol) because he thinks I'm a good person, I'm educated, and I have the same skin tone as him. I happily agreed and my conversation with him literally solidified why Im here. If any of you recall my post about some of the discrimination I've faced here because of my skin tone, you should know that all of it was well worth it just to have the opportunity to be a positive example for someone like my new sobrino (nephew). I know I'm supposed to be here, my conversation with him felt like a whisper from God to leave my fears behind and arm myself with courage and love. It was a reminder to continue to be a person who makes others feel special.

Entonces, I've had a really great week. I walked my community with 2 of my youth group leaders and we conducted 10 interviews, we are also planning to do more today and next Thursday. So this will be my last post for awhile as I prepare to finish community and organization interviews and next week starts my second full week with my new schedule. I pray that everyone has a wonderful Holiday season with loved ones, please please cherish your shared moments as the gifts they are. I´ll spend New Years with my PCV loves and then really hit crunch time with completing my organization and community diagnostic. Send me emails, I´ll be sure to respond and check out my facebook because I added some new photos.


Last but certainly not least, please keep the families and friends of Elizabeth Alden Landis and Lena Jenison in your prayers. They were Peace Corps volunteers in Mozambique who passed away in a car crash. This tragic news hit me hard yesterday because it is the holiday season (please pray for the enduring strength of their families) and it can be a lonely time in another country, but I'm alive and healthy. Life is fragile, beautiful, and quick, I pray that everyone makes the most of every moment and spends each moment doing something valuable and worthwhile not just for you but humankind as well.

“The best of happiness, is mine already – the power and will to be useful….”

Fiesta Fiesta (the Shift Emily described)

Everyone always says that in your first 3 months in site, all you should be doing is getting out, getting to know people, compartiring, developing a great relationship with your host family, and in my case getting to know my organization, people in my org and where I can fit into my org as well. So far I can only confidently say I’ve built a very strong relationship with my family…everything else is a work in progress. As Emily said, you get what you want more, and developing a relationship with my family is what I’ve wanted most. Now that I have a baseline, I think the fiestas at my org have cemented my want to do the rest. I’ll try my best to explain the shift in my thoughts.

I am partnered with arguably one of the best Dominican organizations in the country (Thanks Adele, Sheila, Kerri, Clare, Dean, and anyone else who helped with my site development).They have so many volunteers from various countries all across the world that, naturally, I was a little intimidated on just how to find my niche and contribute meaningfully to the organization as well as my site. Peace Corps has amazing programs that I can implement, but I cannot start them yet, I have a lot of thoughts and experiences to share with youth here but I cannot speak Spanish well yet, I love to listen and want to gain the confianza of my community but I do not understand enough Spanish yet…. So as you can tell everything has, it will come but it just hasn’t happened yet. So how have I felt in the meantime, pretty useless…how have I been perceived? Probably in the same light tambien.

But one of the ways in which I have gotten to feel a little useful is through the fiestas that my organization has put on for the pre-k and sala de tarea kids. I’ve helped to set up chairs, hug kids, pass out treats, and face paint. Not very important in the grand scheme of things but it reminded me that while I’m still learning Spanish, still conducting my 3 month diagnostic, and adjusting, I can still be useful in my own way. And the fiesta that probably caused the complete shift was the fiesta for all of the staff and volunteers of Accion Callejera. Everybody was so happy and full of life. I see how hard they work, how genuinely committed they are, and it was humbling just to be there celebrating with them. My community director was dancing meringue and bachata all day long and it was wonderful to see people in their element. I’ve often felt intimidated around these very same people because of my lack of Spanish but still they have been nothing but patient, understanding, and kind. In watching everyone dancing I realized that I was right where I was supposed to be. And I shifted genuinely in wanting to get to know them, support their work, and share whatever skills I had that could make the org stronger. I have given into choosing this more than anything else. Teedra said a heart that’s pure won’t be denied…

This is as authentic and raw as I’ll permit myself to be and share on the world wide web. I’m not sure how this shift will manifest itself and how it is suppose to look but I’m ready. Clearly, I have not figured it all out yet. I have much more to learn, more people to meet, I need to compartir more time with people, but at least now its genuinely what I want more right where I am. Thanks again Emily, you truly are the best trainer I could have hoped for in navigating this Peace Corps experience.

“If we love God and wish to serve Him, to do His work, to labour for His glory – which is the good of man – to hasten the coming of His kingdom, which is the peace and happiness of all the world: however powerless we may seem to be, in doing all the good we can through life, the humblest of us may do much towards it: and let us dwell in love, that He may dwell in us and we in Him.” Agnes Grey by Anne Bronte

Birth (12/10) Day Post

I spent a day in Santo Domingo before my birthday with some of my favorite people I’ve met through this experience so far. I spent some time at the Peace Corps office rummaging through the free box (one person’s old Coach bag is now my treasure) and library (I’ll be reading Toni Morrison for the next couple of weeks), chatting with Lisette, getting a package from Jessica (it made my day and made me cry at the same time), and running into a lot of people. I love how tons of people from my group end up showing up at the office at the time =) I had lunch with my girls at our favorite Chinese Dominican restaurant  and then we spent the rest of the afternoon discussing our sites and talking about how much w emiss fam and friends at home.  I left my friends and stayed at Krystle’s place, we went to Maryland together and now she is working in the DR…small world! I had a great time catching up, sharing my PC volunteer experiences thus far, and watching American tv. Its crazy how much we cling to almost any American thing while here, it is def a wonderful comfort every now and again. I had a wonderful trip to SD and although its expensive (by my PCV living allowance standards) its is def a worthwhile trip.

The purpose of my trip to Santo Domingo was to pick up a suitcase of goodies from the states since my church does missions trips to the D.R. twice a year and my friend was coming down to serve.  Although I didn’t get to see you guys, I hope you had a great experience being the hands and feet of Jesus here in the D.R!! Thanks so much to my Mom, Ashley, Nate, and Rachelle for bringing me a bag of things from the states. My mom packed the bag, my AP Ash re-packed the bag, then Nate re-packed the bag again at the airport (you deserve an award for your efforts Nate!), and thanks Rachelle for getting the bag to me in Santo Domingo. My three mis-matched sandals are a reminder to never take anything too seriously and just live & laugh.

I “survived” my first birthday in the Dominican Republic!!  Birthdays are such a blessing and I never ever take them for granted, I was a little scared of how I might feel celebrating my birthday so far away from so many people that I love dearly. But, as usual, everything worked out just as it was supposed to in the end. THANK YOU to all of my family and friends who called, sent a text, sent an email, facebook or twitter message wishing me a happy birthday. It meant more than I could describe here. Seriously the words wouldn’t mean enough to express the gratitude I still feel. There is something about being so far away from family and friends…You know that life goes on but you just don’t want to be forgotten. It may be narcissistic but I know God made us to share life with each other and I’ll never forget those who I’ve been blessed to share time with, and I’m so thankful you guys didn’t forget me either!!!!!!

Now on to how I spent the day. I started the day with tons of birthday calls. Thanks to my all of my Peace Corps friends, boss Adele, and Med Doc Lisette for remembering me on my day and sharing kind words with me. It was humbling…The humbled feelings continued…My family sang me Happy Birthday…I know that was it from the tune even though some of the words were lost on me and they even did it Steve Wonder style! My friend Rachelle then came to my site with a birthday cake ad everyone sang happy birthday again… We compartired cake and then Rachelle walked around my site with me and I was able to express some of my thoughts, feelings, triumphs, and struggles in trying to figure out how to integrate into my community and be a resource to my organization.

Then we headed into the city to meet up with Carrie and we had dinner at TGIFridays. And they still had blackened chicken alfredo on the menu so that’s exactly what I had. Carrie and I got to pick Rachelle’s brain about the life of a Peace Corps volunteer. Quick sidenote, I realize that I love hearing about other volunteer’s experiences and seeking tons of advice about how to live this experience. But everyone’s experience is so different and what works in one site for one person will not work for another. I am working on being more kind to myself in an attempt to open up more and live this experience without fear of doing something wrong… (but I’ll save these thoughts for my next blog). ..

Anyways it was really nice to share my birthday with one of my forever friends who has seen me grow through a number of years (much love to TDP) and get to know one of my Pantoja to Santiago neighbors better. Dare I say that chicken alfredo was the best meal I’ve had in country. The plan after that was to go dancing in the city before Rachelle headed to the states the next day.

Well the dancing never happened. We went to check out the newly reopened Hub and we never made it back out. So thanks to what was at the time the best birthday dinner I could ask for, I spent the following 3 days not very far from the toilet with about 5 hours of sleep. Seriously diarrhea here is NOT fun, I’m so glad its over and I’ll be very weary of eating any dairy here again. Somebody (Diona, Malika, Hilary, Carrie, anyone) remind me the next time I try to eat anything other than McDonalds, that stuff is too processed to be considered real dairy…

Entonces I had a pretty good birthday. Thanks be to God for keeping me, allowing me to see another year, and giving me the opportunity to live out one of my dreams. In reflection (what would a blog post of mine be without one), this time last year I had an all black attire birthday get together in my apartment (Rachelle was there too).  A lot of my faves were there and then we headed to Nate’s skate party afterwards. I had just finished my Peace Corps app and had not even had my first interview yet. I was in the middle of planning the college application drive for seniors with Mrs. Agnew and my peer leaders at the high school I taught at. I was content with where my life was (Phil 4:12), yet yearning for a greater way to serve, some kind of adventure and a year later here I am wrapped up in the biggest, selfish, selfless, humbling, eye opening, journey I’ve had the courage to start. I wonder what I’ll say when December 10, 2012 comes around…..

What does a regular day consist of? and other ramblings

There is no easy answer to that because there is such thing as a regular day. But I will try to summarize what my week and weekends consist of as well as what the first 3 months of my service is supposed to include.

In the first 3 months in my site, I get to live with a host family and I am only supposed to start one small project and spend the rest of the time learning about the needs of the community through observations, interviews, and interacting with community members. The PC approach is to help people develop the capacity to improve their own lives through training and integration (i.e. PC programs). Entonces volunteers try to integrate into the community and develop confianza (trust) before starting projects. That way the community and volunteer develop an understanding of what the community needs and how they can work together to create sustainable projects that can continue through community leaders and youth well after the volunteer ends his/her service (si Dios quiere). At the end of the 3 month diagnostic period, I´ll select a project partner from my site to accompany me in presenting my findings infront of the other youth development volunteers in my cohort. Once I present my findings, I will outline my first year plan of projects to initiate based on what the community needs and the skills that I possess. Prior to presenting these findings to my training group, I´ll present this info to the community and continually seek their suggestions and thoughts throughout the entire process.

Because I am also an ´extreme needs´ youth volunteer, I am partnered with an organization in the community, so I split my time between the community diagnostic and completing my organizational diagnostic. My organization is a pre-k/kindergarten school (thats the educational component) as well as a community center for the 4 surrounding barrios.The community center is a satellite site for the organization whose main base is located in the city but they have numerous programs all over the city. My goal for my organization diagnostic is to learn as much as possible about the organization overall, but focus on the strengths, weakness, opportunities, and dangers present within the community center portion. Based on these findings, I will roll out a plan for first year activities to support the community center.

Because of these diagnostics, my days and weeks are focused around these obtaining information for my diagnostic. This will change after January because I can actually start more than one project, live on my own, and travel to PCDR training activities for a variety of programs.

My weeks consist of going to the Centro Comunitario in the morning and conducting interviews with teachers or other volunteers, observing sala de tarea, observing English classes, or helping serve merindas to the kids. in the afternoons I either go back to the Centro Comunitario or I walk in different barrios to visit the (few) leaders that I know so far. I try to walk in the community as much as possible so that people get used to seeing my face since I´ll be here for a little while (smile!) The interviews are always interesting because I´m sure that I miss the context of some of their answers becuse of my limited Spanish so thats a downer but I also get really excited when I actually understand and get the humor/passion behind their answers. It is an ebb and flow that I´ve learned to appreciate and recognize for what it is. Thankfully, people are really patient and do not mind repeating some of their thoughts.

The centro comunitario closes at 5 so I usually head back to my casa to get ready to go to the gym with my primo, hermanas, co'workers, and/or other volunteers. It is about a 10 minute carro ride away and once I get there I get to enjoy an eerily similar rendition of the Greenbelt Ballys gym minus the multitude of ellipticals, treadmills, a pool and the constant overcrowdedness. This has truly been the trace of God that I needed  because my gym experience relaxes me and heps me to relieve stress. It is a comfort because it is the same way I relieved stress in the States so it feels a little like home which I am abundantly thankful for.

After the gym I usually hang out with my family, listen to music, bounce off the walls with my nieces and nephews, and try to avoid having platanos for dinner. Thanks be to God for galletas, peanut butter and raisins.

Thanks to wonderful convos with my family and friends, and a very relaxing Thanksgiving break things have taken off in my site this week. I´ve conducted more interviews this week then I did in my first month, and I ave figured out what my first mini project will be. I´m going to start a step team for girls 10-14 and 15-24 (Coolidge part 2). I am hoping that these teams turn into my Chicas Brillantes groups eventually (si Dios quiere). Since I´m not the greatest at this, I am currently looking through you tube videos for my steps to teach my girls (thanks Sorors!) and I´m excited to kick off this project because the girls are super excited. They come up to me at the Center, on the street, and when I am at home asking when we will start. I am just waiting for my hand to recuperate a little but I did tell everyone within the next 2 weeks.

So my life will be balanced by the gym, conducting entrevistas in the community, hanging with my youth at their houses in order to create confianza, and starting my step teams. I am still trying to figure out how I fit into my community because of the overwhelming number of volunteers at my organizaiton, but I am gaining more confidence in my ability to contribute positively here.

PS and I promise my next blog will be about birthday gifts!!