All who wander are not lost (Be Kind to Yourself)

My nature varies: the mood of one hour is sometimes the mockery of the next.”-Villette by Charlotte Bronte

The above quote summarizes my inconsistent and ever changing thoughts about my experiences here so far. Its difficult to summarize my feelings but its like sometimes I can be on the highest of highs, simply content in the fact that I remembered a child’s name or that a doña remembered mine and in the very next moment sink into such a low that at times I wonder how anything so trivial could be the root cause. I've also felt guilty at times for leaving my family and friends behind. If they miss me as much as I miss them, I hate to be the source of any pain for them. I know they are proud of me but sometimes I feel really really selfish in pursuing this journey. But I have been working on getting out of my head and staying on the field at all times. This frame of mind has led to a significant shift in the past couple of days which should have a very positive affect on my service moving forward.

'All who wander are not lost' has been a very helpful reminder to not attach specific expectations to my experience here. I am someone who very much likes to be in control, organize, and navigate every part of my life and this journey was an attempt to trample all over that mindset. However, throughout the past 2 months, Ive felt really lost, only focused on keeping my head above water yet at the same time trying to firmly plant my feet and figure out just what I have to offer to my community and organization. What about me is important to share, and when, when will I ever learn enough Spanish to have a decent conversation with anyone, what does integration look like....I really could go on and on with my musings. The point is that I´ve been too focused on what I don´t have or what I haven´t figured out or accomplished yet instead of just letting it all happen (releasing my need to be in control the wise people tell me). It will all come in time and little by little that has turned out to be the case.

In another post I mentioned a recent shift in wanting the most out of this experience more and striving to attain it. Whatever “it” looks like (hey I´m trying to go with the flow here). In giving myself fully to this experience, and no longer looking back AT ALL, one of the things that I’ve seen volunteers write and say time and time again is to be kind to yourself. In order to do that you must first accept that you are worthy of that kindness. Whether this is an American concept or not, merit is often tied to achievements, accomplishments, and successfully helping others. Bestow kindness where it is undeserved, unmerited…so foreign a concept but one that I am learning quickly because I’m not a fan of mental anguish, loneliness, and regret.

What does being kind to yourself look like? In the here and now, for me it means taking on as many opportunities to get to know members of my community, my organization, and other volunteers. Pero, it does not mean second guessing, questioning, and beating myself when I just don’t feel like going or doing something. I will take trips to the gym and have mental health days when I need them sin verguenza. It also means celebrating everything.  Si vale la pena aprenderlo, vale la pena celebrarlo. Some days it really takes courage to get out of bed and walk my community and I should celebrate each and every time I accomplish it. It also means accepting the fact that although I don’t have a full grasp of the Spanish concept yet, I need to be patient with myself, because I am studying and trying every single day.

I´ve also developed more of a daily routine which is always subject to change (flexibility is key) but it really helps to have a semi plan of what I hope my first year of service will look like. I am partnered with a wonderful organization, Accion Callejera's mission is to promote the rights of children and adolescents in situations of vulnerability in all its forms. AC uses an action and research based approach that leads to the understanding of their difficulties and  implementation of support programmes which can positively impact on their living conditions. The vision is to be a reliable and effective institution in the understanding of these youths reality, in the pursuit and implementation of appropriate solutions and comprehensive responses. And their values include respect, dignity, solidarity, commitment and faith.


I pretty much love everything that AC tries to do for youth, from offering a daily program for limpiabotas (youth who clean shoes and basically live on the streets), to coordinating over 25 sala de tareas for students in barrios all over Santiago (students in the DR only go to school for half the day so the other half can be filled with more educational and enrichment opportunities through sala de tarea), and offering legal, health, and emotional support. After my my 3 month training at the end of January I promise to share my about my day to day role with AC. But I will get to use my teaching experience, create differentiated learning techniques, facilitate youth activities, and work with a team that focuses on supporting limpiabotas in high risk situations. So Im definitely happy about what is to come!

I began my new schedule this week. Alot of the boys that walk into the apoyo escolar immediately begin speaking Creole to me. I give a look of honest confusion and explain thatI dont know Creole and Im still working on my Spanish. Bewildered, they ask so where are you from.... I reply that Im American and the immediate responses is 'pero tu eres Americana'.... After that, one boy gives me a hug and then we begin working on adding and subtracting.


The next day, one of the boys who is 15 asks me to teach him English and I reply that once he learns to write Spanish, I will teach him more English (because he already knows a little). He picks up a newspaper article and asks me to read to him, I tell him no and remind him that Im sure he can read it perfectly fine. He hesistates but proceeds to read the entire article. I congradulate him and he beams a look of pride that reminded me of why I wanted to become a teacher. Later, he asks me about my family and mentions that he doesn't have any. He asks me if I'll allow him to call me aunt Jackie (tia en espanol) because he thinks I'm a good person, I'm educated, and I have the same skin tone as him. I happily agreed and my conversation with him literally solidified why Im here. If any of you recall my post about some of the discrimination I've faced here because of my skin tone, you should know that all of it was well worth it just to have the opportunity to be a positive example for someone like my new sobrino (nephew). I know I'm supposed to be here, my conversation with him felt like a whisper from God to leave my fears behind and arm myself with courage and love. It was a reminder to continue to be a person who makes others feel special.

Entonces, I've had a really great week. I walked my community with 2 of my youth group leaders and we conducted 10 interviews, we are also planning to do more today and next Thursday. So this will be my last post for awhile as I prepare to finish community and organization interviews and next week starts my second full week with my new schedule. I pray that everyone has a wonderful Holiday season with loved ones, please please cherish your shared moments as the gifts they are. I´ll spend New Years with my PCV loves and then really hit crunch time with completing my organization and community diagnostic. Send me emails, I´ll be sure to respond and check out my facebook because I added some new photos.


Last but certainly not least, please keep the families and friends of Elizabeth Alden Landis and Lena Jenison in your prayers. They were Peace Corps volunteers in Mozambique who passed away in a car crash. This tragic news hit me hard yesterday because it is the holiday season (please pray for the enduring strength of their families) and it can be a lonely time in another country, but I'm alive and healthy. Life is fragile, beautiful, and quick, I pray that everyone makes the most of every moment and spends each moment doing something valuable and worthwhile not just for you but humankind as well.

“The best of happiness, is mine already – the power and will to be useful….”